Skeptica Claus Part 2

DON'T READ THIS IF YOU ARE A LITTLE CHILD. NOT G-RATED.

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I realized I have a few more ways of being a smart aleck (spelling?), so I have decided to make a second part. If you missed out on Part 1, click here.

We all know elves make the toys up in his crappily placed factory. But do we see any humans? I think not. Santa is an obvious discriminator against regular humans. Although you could argue that elves are pretty alike in comparison with humans, you could also argue height discrimination. I'm pretty sure elves are less than five feet tall each, and obscenely old.

This next problem is not only a problem of logic, but of the laws of nature as well. How does Santa's sleigh fly? Why, of course, his 8 magic reindeer! But think about it logically, Santa would have to be going a good 40 miles per hour to keep from falling out of the sleigh. Don't see my logic? Think about it while keeping physics in mind and look at my 30-second artwork (keep in mind, it's just a demonstration. I know there's only 4 reindeer. I know it):

Now, unless Santa's leashes are actually metal poles, Santa will be tumbling out on to the street for all the world to find before you can say 'Ho ho ho.' If you think about it, it would be more probable to take the 'hot air balloon' approach and...well just look at my next artwork:

Of course, there might be a problem with all the reindeer 'excretions' finding their way to Santa's head, but if the reindeers are magical, they might as well poop cookies. If they don't poop cookies, Santa can find another use for it (we need to conserve coal anyways).

Well, I guess that's all the points I can cover right now. I'll probably think of more, but that can wait.

Merry Christmas!

Internet Quotes

I really can't think of anything to write today, so I'll share some of my favorite quotes about the Internet.

"Well, I equate the web to like being in rush hour traffic. Everyone is really bold inside their box and they're just giving the finger out the window." - Adam Savage, from MythBusters

"Looking at the proliferation of personal web pages on the net, it looks like very soon everyone on earth will have 15 Megabytes of fame." - MG Siriam (?)

"Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant." - Mitch Kapor

"You can't take something off the Internet - it's like taking pee out of a pool." - Anonymous

And for you people who *still* have dial-up or some old slow connection (I don't, but I used to):

"I calculated the total time that humans have waited for web pages to load. It cancels out all the productivity gains of the information age. Sometimes I think the web is a big plot to keep people like me away from normal society." - Scott Adams, author of the Dilbert comic


Happy Holidays!

How I see the world

Ever since I added the DuckyAtePaste feed among my others to check if it worked, I keep checking it hoping it automatically updated it for me.

Anyways, here's a new piece of crap art for you guys:

New Labels

Sorry for the triple post here.

I admit, I've been lazy over the past blog posts, I never added labels. Well, I added labels to every post today.

- 'g-rated' means it is pretty okay for everybody. Some of the 'g-rated' posts are mildly violent, but it's just stick figures.

- 'observational' means an observation on life, like the serving size test.

- 'best posts' I saved what I think are my best posts on the blog.

The others are pretty self explanatory.

So, for instance, if you would like to see videos I have made, you would click on the little 'video' label on the side of the site.

Also, it's the tuleyide, no, yuletide season, I encourage you to look at my wishlist that I created last year. It's actually pretty funny.

Mail Time *not for kiddies*

DO NOT READ THIS, THIS CONTAINS THE WEIRD SEXUAL REFERENCES MY SPAMMERS SEND ME.

No, not your average mail time where readers send in pics of their obese cat. No, this time it's time to revisit the horrors of SPAM MAIL.

First of all, do you remember those weird duplicate emails I got when I posted the original spam mail post? Well guess what, THEY KEEP COMING. AND THEY ARE EVEN WORSE THAN BEFORE.

Here are some examples of names of the 'senders:'

Mikles Serandos
Wahr Lilyquist
Kiest Schwingel

Here are their messages. I added asterisks, because two of them contained bad words (which shocked me quite a bit).

Mikles Serandos' message:

Subject: love love love love love :)

Body: Show your sweetheart how much you love her!!!!

***link to some website which I don't even want to look at***

Endued with great energy, covered that foremost not give
their reasons for dismissing the complaint on his powers
of illusion, slay karna, the son her in nature and age and
extraction, nala deserveth his life for islam. The muslim
with a wild cry.

Kiest Schwingels' message:

Subject: one wife is not enough

Body: I have One wife and two mistresses... I can f*** theem all several times per day!

***dumb link***

Yet now that some person had revealed his secrets, be right
to lie. Ask god to make you a way of tongue anew if well,
mrs dolly, suppose your tale lives in, if you knew how he
is wanting for food i found it empty in the morning and
threw it 'did.

Wahr Lilyquest's message (which I thought was the most interesting):

Subject: Santa Claus and Christmaas Night!

Body: WOW!! Santa Claus try our meds and f*** housewife and her daughter!

***no link fo' you!***

Must obtain permission in writing from both the quite nice.
thank you, kate. Toni gave vent to you leave the cove? At
a quarter to twelve. I canoe. There the plucky fellow was
able to get seemed impossible to believe that he in the
^telsenlabyryntfi.

Um..........wow. 'And her daughter'??? What??

I seriously get like 15 of these a day. Luckily, they all end up in my spam folder, thanks to Gmail.

Snow

Well, it's snowing.

I'm not sure how many of you readers have experienced snow, but after a while it's really annoying.

Sure, it's great fun to play around in. Sledding, skiing, building snowmen, etc. But after months of trudging to school through it, it gets extremely annoying.

Shoveling your driveway? It's like mowing your lawn every day. Working an hour of extremely hard work only having to get up the next morning and shovel twice as much. Playing in it gets to be too much trouble, as you have to put on piles of clothing to go outside and no matter what YOU ARE STILL COLD AND WET. Then, whatever piece of art you made from snow gets ruined by dumb kids with huge egos.

I do admit, Christmas does look a lot better in snow. But Memorial Day does NOT. Where I live, it starts snowing in November and oftentimes runs for 5 or 6 months, not ending until April. And all through that time it gets dark at five o' clock, you walk around in boots for 7 hours at school because it's too much hassle to bring another pair of shoes, you wear big fat coats that you end up jamming in your locker, and you can't do anything you can do in the summer. Popsicles and ice cream lose their touch, along with other frozen treats.

Winter just sucks.

Perfect weather: 80 degrees (fahrenheit) all year round, except 2 weeks around Christmas it snows, and there are a few rainstorms overnight for water.

Maybe I'll migrate in the winter, like birds.

Skeptica Claus

WARNING: If you are a small child, I would recommend not reading this post. Or even being on the Internet in general.

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Santa Claus. You know, the guy who visits all the good children of the world and gives them presents, all in one night. To whoever made him up, what kind of smokes did you obtain? Honestly.

Some old fat guy in red clothing gives presents to children in exchange for cookies and milk? If you think about it, this is quite possibly the dumbest idea ever. Of course, I'm exaggerating, but you get my point. If this was actually true, the North Pole government would be all over his rosy red butt. Unless there was a delightful cookies-to-presents exchange rate there, I don't think so.

Then of course, there would be several problems with elves working in a workshop up in the north pole, I don't think that's going to happen. How the crap would little midgets in silly costumes make 5 million Nintendo Wiis by hand? Santa must have quite a number of elves up there.

Not to mention all of the legal encounters. It can't be legally possible to have Santa make millions of copies of products, it would put the companies out of business. There is also patent laws, copyright laws, and other types of laws that would send Santa to federal prison for a few hundred years.

So, in closing, don't do drugs. You might come up with a holiday icon if you do.