Skeptica Claus Part 2

DON'T READ THIS IF YOU ARE A LITTLE CHILD. NOT G-RATED.

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I realized I have a few more ways of being a smart aleck (spelling?), so I have decided to make a second part. If you missed out on Part 1, click here.

We all know elves make the toys up in his crappily placed factory. But do we see any humans? I think not. Santa is an obvious discriminator against regular humans. Although you could argue that elves are pretty alike in comparison with humans, you could also argue height discrimination. I'm pretty sure elves are less than five feet tall each, and obscenely old.

This next problem is not only a problem of logic, but of the laws of nature as well. How does Santa's sleigh fly? Why, of course, his 8 magic reindeer! But think about it logically, Santa would have to be going a good 40 miles per hour to keep from falling out of the sleigh. Don't see my logic? Think about it while keeping physics in mind and look at my 30-second artwork (keep in mind, it's just a demonstration. I know there's only 4 reindeer. I know it):

Now, unless Santa's leashes are actually metal poles, Santa will be tumbling out on to the street for all the world to find before you can say 'Ho ho ho.' If you think about it, it would be more probable to take the 'hot air balloon' approach and...well just look at my next artwork:

Of course, there might be a problem with all the reindeer 'excretions' finding their way to Santa's head, but if the reindeers are magical, they might as well poop cookies. If they don't poop cookies, Santa can find another use for it (we need to conserve coal anyways).

Well, I guess that's all the points I can cover right now. I'll probably think of more, but that can wait.

Merry Christmas!

Snow

Well, it's snowing.

I'm not sure how many of you readers have experienced snow, but after a while it's really annoying.

Sure, it's great fun to play around in. Sledding, skiing, building snowmen, etc. But after months of trudging to school through it, it gets extremely annoying.

Shoveling your driveway? It's like mowing your lawn every day. Working an hour of extremely hard work only having to get up the next morning and shovel twice as much. Playing in it gets to be too much trouble, as you have to put on piles of clothing to go outside and no matter what YOU ARE STILL COLD AND WET. Then, whatever piece of art you made from snow gets ruined by dumb kids with huge egos.

I do admit, Christmas does look a lot better in snow. But Memorial Day does NOT. Where I live, it starts snowing in November and oftentimes runs for 5 or 6 months, not ending until April. And all through that time it gets dark at five o' clock, you walk around in boots for 7 hours at school because it's too much hassle to bring another pair of shoes, you wear big fat coats that you end up jamming in your locker, and you can't do anything you can do in the summer. Popsicles and ice cream lose their touch, along with other frozen treats.

Winter just sucks.

Perfect weather: 80 degrees (fahrenheit) all year round, except 2 weeks around Christmas it snows, and there are a few rainstorms overnight for water.

Maybe I'll migrate in the winter, like birds.

Skeptica Claus

WARNING: If you are a small child, I would recommend not reading this post. Or even being on the Internet in general.

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Santa Claus. You know, the guy who visits all the good children of the world and gives them presents, all in one night. To whoever made him up, what kind of smokes did you obtain? Honestly.

Some old fat guy in red clothing gives presents to children in exchange for cookies and milk? If you think about it, this is quite possibly the dumbest idea ever. Of course, I'm exaggerating, but you get my point. If this was actually true, the North Pole government would be all over his rosy red butt. Unless there was a delightful cookies-to-presents exchange rate there, I don't think so.

Then of course, there would be several problems with elves working in a workshop up in the north pole, I don't think that's going to happen. How the crap would little midgets in silly costumes make 5 million Nintendo Wiis by hand? Santa must have quite a number of elves up there.

Not to mention all of the legal encounters. It can't be legally possible to have Santa make millions of copies of products, it would put the companies out of business. There is also patent laws, copyright laws, and other types of laws that would send Santa to federal prison for a few hundred years.

So, in closing, don't do drugs. You might come up with a holiday icon if you do.